Did you watch the documentary about The Biggest Loser?

If you haven’t you should.

I was recommended Jillian Micheal’s (one of the fitness people in the documentary) by family years ago and felt a lot of shame for not being able to get through an entire workout video which led to quickly giving up. I was uncomfortable with how “fitness culture” treats bodies, they act as if bodies are all the same, as if following their personal routine will give you the same outcome they have had. The coaches pressure individuals to do what works best for themselves but don’t consider that it might not be what’s best for others.

Nearly every person I’ve met who has gotten into fitness or running behave in the same way ”do what I do and you can be like me” as if being “like them” is the ultimate goal. They act like they are imparting some great wisdom and lifestyle advice because they equate being fit with having life figured out.

Fitness and health become some kind of moral thing, that “good” people do to have a “good life”, this thinking not only glorifies being fit, but suggests being fat is a failure in some way. I have family who have pushed fitness, some even saying they wouldn’t visit people who wouldn’t exercise, because to them being fit and running was more important then the people around them. They posted all their fitness stuff online, every run, every workout, and I felt a lot of pressure to keep up, but I never could. I’d see “inspiration” posting saying things like “no excuses”. They perpetuated this stuff.

It left me feeling like I was a big fat failure.

The reality was I had completely different circumstances, I had 5 kids, a part time job, mental health issues, and I had personal health issues they didn’t have. These things aren’t excuses they are valid reasons to NOT keep up. My life and goals were not the same as theirs. The pressure made me try running for a year, I lost weight but I also injured my knee. Turns out you should talk to a doctor before you begin exercising, especially running, because there are risks, specifically to the joints , even more so for women as we age. So I can’t run and I don’t, I never should have run to begin with, it wasn’t something I enjoyed.

I love slow walks with my husband, I go on walks for photos and meander, but I will never do hard exercise again, my body may be soft because of this, but so is my heart, I’m ok with soft.

Does this mean I do not care about my health? …no. Many of my health issues have had a root cause, that cause being my mental health, and so my mental health comes first. I still care about my health and body, I just don’t push my body beyond its capacity.

That first episode of the documentary was so telling, the one lady pushed her body to near death just to stay in the game and lose weight. I know one of the beliefs behind fitness and diet is “if you do all this health stuff you will live longer” , but hard excessive exercise puts stress on your body, your body doesn’t need stress to be healthy and live longer, in fact stress causes many health issues. You can still be healthy with gentle exercise. Being fit doesn’t guarantee long life, there are many factors that allow some to live longer. This thinking creates a facade of control over the length of life, and we really don’t have that control.

I want my life to be peaceful , a soft life that is peaceful, walks that are peaceful and enjoyable. I will not stress myself out to be fit and post it on social media like I’ve done something for my health. I will however walk slowly and stop to see a butterfly, take a photo and share it on social media.

I find a lot of “fitness” spaces and fitness people use a measure of shame to motivate, they make you feel bad for eating “bad” food. Unless you’re eating “clean” and moving in a certain way you’re really don’t care about your “health”

Maybe I won’t live as long…..I will accept shorter days, as long as I can spend more time looking at the birds than I do stressing out about my body. I’m so done with that pressure. I’ve always been done with it, I just allowed others to make me feel I had to do certain things to live longer and be better, I was made to feel I had to be fit or into running to be accepted.

I like soft me, I like slow me, I like expressive and creative me, I like me in my garden, I like me drinking coffee and eating chocolate, and my favourite me is the me being exactly who I am with my family and those I love.

There is a lot of judgment in fitness spaces, I’ve heard people actually judge their spouses body, weight, and fitness, somehow everyone around the “fit” person now has to adhere to their standards and lifestyle . NO ONE else’s body is your business to comment on, not even your spouse and kids bodies.

I’ve found fitness people act as though they’re experts in areas they are not, like mental health and often health in general. None of the fitness instructors in the documentary were qualified to give advice on mental or physical health but they did anyway. They positioned themselves as experts. I find those who are into fitness and “health” are also substance users, they frame their substance use as more justifiable then those who a not into fitness, they promote health while also being drinkers or drug users, judging others openly while not living up to the standards they present to the world. Arrogant people self title or act like experts without the earned qualifications for their “expertise”, they take jobs and titles they have no real qualifications or education for, they use charm and confidence to take up positions they have no training in, this is true in fitness spaces, they act like exercise can replace seeking professional help, and at points make themselves the “professionals” you should turn to.

Fitness people can go ahead and do what they do and say what they say, but I’m doing me. 🙂 These spaces and those in them can be toxic and judgmental much in the same way many cult spaces can be, it’s ok to not participate in the facade of “health” they present.

It is ok to do you, to do things that work for your body and to do things that won’t push you into stressing your body out. With the help of actual professionals you can add movement to your life that won’t impact your body and mind negatively in the long run.

In my dreams

Since childhood I have had very vivid dreams. I actually still have some of the same recurring dreams I had in childhood now as an adult. I also have the type of dreaming where I can become aware I am dreaming and can control the dream a bit (lucid dreams). My daughter can do this too. My vivid dreams can cause me to break my own heart, specifically when I have dreams about someone I loved who has passed.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a table with my mom, my uncle Randy and my grandmother. I was listening to them chatter, my grandmother turned to me and asked me to sing and I sang to them a song by the Beatles called “ I Will”. The lyrics are :

Who knows how long I've loved you?

You know I love you still

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to, I will

For if I ever saw you

I didn't catch your name

But it never really mattered

I will always feel the same

Love you forever and forever

Love you with all my heart

Love you whenever we're together

Love you when we're apart

And when at last, I find you

Your song will fill the air

Sing it loud so I can hear you

Make it easy to be near you

For the things you do endear you to me

Oh, you know, I will

I will

I know it’s a love song but I think it was fitting to how much I loved each of them. I love and hate these kind of dreams. I tell my husband it’s like getting little visits with those I love, but often when I wake up I cry. These relatives made me feel seen and loved, and I miss them and visiting them in my dreams often makes me grieve again for a little while. I’m not sure there will be a time I stop missing them, they have a permanent place in my heart.

What unmasking has looked like for me

It has taken me time to accept being autistic. I’m in therapy to learn how to cope with things that for years I had to mask to avoid being centred out. I’m in a group my therapist recommended for autistic women, it’s been helpful to listen and find that my experiences aren’t that unusual for women my age. It has been interesting to realize the things we have in common like what we had to do to cope, the high anxiety we live with, the health problems, the pain of being excluded, and the trauma of being expected to do things because everyone else did them so easily, the sheer weight of living in a world that is continually overstimulating and exhausting, the burnout, the masking. As I shared my experiences in childhood and adulthood with my therapist she told me my experience isn’t usual, my experiences are common in late diagnosed autistic women.

I’ve learned so much about myself by accepting that I’m neurodivergent. Here are things I’ve unmasked as I’ve accepted my differences.

-My husband recently said to me “I always thought I was introverted but I think you more introverted then me”. As I have unmasked I’ve found that this is very true. I am and always have been introverted. At points I masked and would fake “extroversion” because being extroverted in my family was always celebrated, noticed and put on a pedestal. I was a shy anxious child, I hid behind my mom a lot as a kid, I had quiet places everywhere I’d retreat to when the world became overstimulating. Even into my mid teens I had severe anxiety from being in school, the social aspect of school was difficult, and I’d get migraines weekly. At some point I I began to believe my quiet nature wasn’t normal, and I’d force myself to be social. Up until 5 years ago I pushed myself socially way beyond my capacity and then I burned out and I couldn’t anymore. I am introverted, and I’m ok with it now, I like quiet days, uninterupted routine, I like being in my home, quiet walks with my spouse. I like being alone with my camera, or creating art.

-Unmasking has brought me back to being mostly vegetarian. Growing up we were taught we had to eat what was in front of us. This was very difficult for me because I have strong food aversions that often made me gag food down. When I was in grade 7 I decided I was a vegetarian. I realize now that being vegetarian allowed me control what I was eating because it was a way for me to not have to eat a food I had a strong aversion to such as meat. I was a “vegetarian” from grade 7 until grade 12. I was often made to feel like my food aversions were just me being spoiled or ungrateful but if people were honest they have foods they don’t like either. ARFID is different kind of avoiding, it’s intense food aversion that can create health issues. My son has ARFID as well, we need supplements because sometimes eating a large range of foods can be challenging so we sometimes miss out on nutrients our bodies need. My son has rarely had to mask, we allow him to eat in a way that works for him without judgment, I have masked heavily so I can force myself to eat things I hate around people I think will judge me, but at home I often skip the meat, or sometimes the full meal and eat when I’m most calm and actually hungry.

-I don’t have to wear the jeans, socks, tight fitted clothes, or any texture or fabric I don’t like. And no one can stop me. If It’s uncomfortable ….I won’t wear it. I’m the one experiencing my body and no one else and when I am wearing something uncomfortable it creates overstimulation and constant distraction. If it’s not comfortable I’m not wearing it.

-I don’t have to be at the event. I have learned that most events are extremely overstimulating for me and cause severe burnout, and burnout has taken me years to recover from. I’ve also found that some crowds aren’t worth my energy. If I feel dread at the thought of going somewhere I often don’t go. I’ve learned that my body tells me the truth. If I think I’ll have to recover for days after being at a function I simply don’t go. FOMO is JOMO now. I am careful with my capacity, I need to stay stable to function as a human. I don’t always say no to the social events but I often can’t do more then 1 or 2 social events in a month because they are incredibly overwhelming. I, like many other autistic people have GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. I don’t remember a time in my life I haven’t been anxious. I was a very anxious child, I cried every day in kindergarten. Everything about school was awful and overwhelming. The social expectations, the noise, the lights, the sounds. I was often taught in the hallway at school because I was a “special education student”. I was not “popular” like my older siblings, I was often left out and the last picked….and that was my entire school experience including highschool. I liked being home and being in my room, even on weekends I preferred home, and often needed rest. Socializing has never been my first choice. I am ok with this now. There were years I felt like a loser for not showing off my social life on social media, because I really didn’t have one. I’ve always preferred home, I’d gladly be a hobbit, I’ll go out on some small adventures but love getting back to my space.

-I talk about my interests and experiences. Growing up I learned to just be quiet. What I brought to the table was never valued, in fact sometimes my ideas and creativity has been used by others and I’ve been pushed aside. I’ve learned not everyone will devalue me, in fact some people will celebrate me just as I am. I no longer dull myself and I no longer give my time to people I have to dull myself around.

Unmasking has felt like going back to “factory settings” and it’s been freeing.