If I could make a wish

Photo by me

My kids and I have these little talks based around a question, one of the questions recently was “if wishes were real and you could make one, what would you wish?” I always love hearing what they come up with. I had to think about my own answer, and my wish would be that I could take them back in time to my high school bedroom for a day and they could lay on my floor with me and listen to my 90’s girl music and chat with teen me, then go downstairs and have a cup of tea with my mom and me. These questions are just for fun, they get us chatting and laughing, but this time it inspired me to make a playlist of all the music I listened to by women in highschool. I don’t often get nostalgic, but the thought of my kids meeting teen me was kind of healing. I think teen me would have loved them and I think we’d be friends and I love that. My kids have all wondered what I was like as a teen, I often have just said quiet and awkward, but when I look back at photos I can see now I was cooler then I felt at the time, I didnt fit in with others well but I was being myself. I try to look back on myself with a bit more kindness. Below is the playlist of 90’s girl music I listened to as a teenager, and a few photos of teen me 🙂

Maybe you could pose the wish question with your people, it’s actually very interesting to see what people would wish, you learn a bit of their heart.

👇🏻90’s girl playlist

https://music.apple.com/ca/playlist/90s-girls/pl.u-g6bxtW5Jlmr

90’s girl 🙂

Things that connect us

Being a mom has been my happiest thing. My daughter recently asked me what if feels like to become a mom, and I said it’s like falling in love in many ways, it’s just this beautiful overwhelming love. My kids childhood was like magic, I miss those days sometimes. But then there is the beauty of now, with them growing into adults, of course there are many challenges, but I love having talks with them. They wonder about family origins, and I love sharing with them stories my mom told me.

My daughter will often text me for recipes, and we have these little chats about where the recipes have come from, and how some recipes just feel like home. How beautiful it is that a simple thing like a recipe or a song can transport our hearts home, and that we carry these threads of family with us through simple common things like a recipe.

I think the most notable recipe in my family is Chicken Slider soup, my fathers mother made it, and she taught my mom, and taught many others in our family how to make this recipe, and every time I make it it’s like I’m home. The chat with my daughter made me realize that it really is women who are the centre of these family traditions. Most of the recipes I use for Christmas are things my mom taught me, and her mom taught her, or an aunt or grandmother taught to someone a long the way. Women have perserved these recipes and now my kids enjoy them. Women in my family history have made these things as an act of love for their families , and they keep getting passed along. I don’t think we ever stop missing people we love who have died, It’s these things like a recipe for a beloved soup or cookie that remind us of home and keep loved ones alive in our hearts.

My two grandmothers, and my lovely mom ❤️

Reality bipolar

I live with bipolar and autism, and both impact me and each other daily. Small changes can create a big response in me. This last couple weeks I have had sleep regression, mania, and now a dip in mood and energy. This happens frequently for me when summer turns to fall. The change in light shifts my brain into rapid cycles that are difficult to manage. Paranoia and existential dread often come along for the mood ride. It can be frustrating to go from energy and sleep regression to depression and inability to stay awake, but this is the reality of bipolar, and specifically bipolar 1 with rapid cycles. For no reason at all except light change my stability is thrown out the window. This is why bipolar is disabling, when I go low it’s not just mood, it’s coupled with severe energy loss, and sometimes the low becomes so low my mind becomes suicidal, and I struggle to stay in reality, in the evenings my brain is especially loud. To stay grounded I use exercises I learned to manage overstimulation due to autism. I breath and listen to my breathing. I tighten my full body and slowly relax it, I shake my hands vigorously, I listen for 5 sounds. I do things to get me back into my body, and it often does help my brain to quiet. I keep a list of things to do to help self regulate, I often seek extra human support when my brain becomes suicidal, because those thoughts can be harder to manage on my own.

Seeking help or telling someone when your thoughts are suicidal is important, always seek help for it.