What unmasking has looked like for me

It has taken me time to accept being autistic. I’m in therapy to learn how to cope with things that for years I had to mask to avoid being centred out. I’m in a group my therapist recommended for autistic women, it’s been helpful to listen and find that my experiences aren’t that unusual for women my age. It has been interesting to realize the things we have in common like what we had to do to cope, the high anxiety we live with, the health problems, the pain of being excluded, and the trauma of being expected to do things because everyone else did them so easily, the sheer weight of living in a world that is continually overstimulating and exhausting, the burnout, the masking. As I shared my experiences in childhood and adulthood with my therapist she told me my experience isn’t usual, my experiences are common in late diagnosed autistic women.

I’ve learned so much about myself by accepting that I’m neurodivergent. Here are things I’ve unmasked as I’ve accepted my differences.

-My husband recently said to me “I always thought I was introverted but I think you more introverted then me”. As I have unmasked I’ve found that this is very true. I am and always have been introverted. At points I masked and would fake “extroversion” because being extroverted in my family was always celebrated, noticed and put on a pedestal. I was a shy anxious child, I hid behind my mom a lot as a kid, I had quiet places everywhere I’d retreat to when the world became overstimulating. Even into my mid teens I had severe anxiety from being in school, the social aspect of school was difficult, and I’d get migraines weekly. At some point I I began to believe my quiet nature wasn’t normal, and I’d force myself to be social. Up until 5 years ago I pushed myself socially way beyond my capacity and then I burned out and I couldn’t anymore. I am introverted, and I’m ok with it now, I like quiet days, uninterupted routine, I like being in my home, quiet walks with my spouse. I like being alone with my camera, or creating art.

-Unmasking has brought me back to being mostly vegetarian. Growing up we were taught we had to eat what was in front of us. This was very difficult for me because I have strong food aversions that often made me gag food down. When I was in grade 7 I decided I was a vegetarian. I realize now that being vegetarian allowed me control what I was eating because it was a way for me to not have to eat a food I had a strong aversion to such as meat. I was a “vegetarian” from grade 7 until grade 12. I was often made to feel like my food aversions were just me being spoiled or ungrateful but if people were honest they have foods they don’t like either. ARFID is different kind of avoiding, it’s intense food aversion that can create health issues. My son has ARFID as well, we need supplements because sometimes eating a large range of foods can be challenging so we sometimes miss out on nutrients our bodies need. My son has rarely had to mask, we allow him to eat in a way that works for him without judgment, I have masked heavily so I can force myself to eat things I hate around people I think will judge me, but at home I often skip the meat, or sometimes the full meal and eat when I’m most calm and actually hungry.

-I don’t have to wear the jeans, socks, tight fitted clothes, or any texture or fabric I don’t like. And no one can stop me. If It’s uncomfortable ….I won’t wear it. I’m the one experiencing my body and no one else and when I am wearing something uncomfortable it creates overstimulation and constant distraction. If it’s not comfortable I’m not wearing it.

-I don’t have to be at the event. I have learned that most events are extremely overstimulating for me and cause severe burnout, and burnout has taken me years to recover from. I’ve also found that some crowds aren’t worth my energy. If I feel dread at the thought of going somewhere I often don’t go. I’ve learned that my body tells me the truth. If I think I’ll have to recover for days after being at a function I simply don’t go. FOMO is JOMO now. I am careful with my capacity, I need to stay stable to function as a human. I don’t always say no to the social events but I often can’t do more then 1 or 2 social events in a month because they are incredibly overwhelming. I, like many other autistic people have GAD, generalized anxiety disorder. I don’t remember a time in my life I haven’t been anxious. I was a very anxious child, I cried every day in kindergarten. Everything about school was awful and overwhelming. The social expectations, the noise, the lights, the sounds. I was often taught in the hallway at school because I was a “special education student”. I was not “popular” like my older siblings, I was often left out and the last picked….and that was my entire school experience including highschool. I liked being home and being in my room, even on weekends I preferred home, and often needed rest. Socializing has never been my first choice. I am ok with this now. There were years I felt like a loser for not showing off my social life on social media, because I really didn’t have one. I’ve always preferred home, I’d gladly be a hobbit, I’ll go out on some small adventures but love getting back to my space.

-I talk about my interests and experiences. Growing up I learned to just be quiet. What I brought to the table was never valued, in fact sometimes my ideas and creativity has been used by others and I’ve been pushed aside. I’ve learned not everyone will devalue me, in fact some people will celebrate me just as I am. I no longer dull myself and I no longer give my time to people I have to dull myself around.

Unmasking has felt like going back to “factory settings” and it’s been freeing.