In my dreams

Since childhood I have had very vivid dreams. I actually still have some of the same recurring dreams I had in childhood now as an adult. I also have the type of dreaming where I can become aware I am dreaming and can control the dream a bit (lucid dreams). My daughter can do this too. My vivid dreams can cause me to break my own heart, specifically when I have dreams about someone I loved who has passed.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a table with my mom, my uncle Randy and my grandmother. I was listening to them chatter, my grandmother turned to me and asked me to sing and I sang to them a song by the Beatles called “ I Will”. The lyrics are :

Who knows how long I've loved you?

You know I love you still

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to, I will

For if I ever saw you

I didn't catch your name

But it never really mattered

I will always feel the same

Love you forever and forever

Love you with all my heart

Love you whenever we're together

Love you when we're apart

And when at last, I find you

Your song will fill the air

Sing it loud so I can hear you

Make it easy to be near you

For the things you do endear you to me

Oh, you know, I will

I will

I know it’s a love song but I think it was fitting to how much I loved each of them. I love and hate these kind of dreams. I tell my husband it’s like getting little visits with those I love, but often when I wake up I cry. These relatives made me feel seen and loved, and I miss them and visiting them in my dreams often makes me grieve again for a little while. I’m not sure there will be a time I stop missing them, they have a permanent place in my heart.