My life in photos

I’ve been online sharing a series of my favourite photos from over 2 decades of photography. Early in life art, music, photography and reading were places I went to to hide myself.

Growing up I was often overlooked by others because I was the quiet weird kid but I found a lot of joy in being alone and learning things like photography. Photography has been a wonderful way for me to showcase how I see the world around me. My camera is like a friend I take every where because every where I go in the world has beauty to be captured.

When I was very young I had a pink camera, I found a photo of my pink camera online 👇🏻 below:

I took sooooooo many photos with this little camera, I have only one photo left from that camera, there are likely more out there somewhere in a box. I remember my moms siblings coming for a visit and I’d drive them crazy snapping my fuzzy out of focus photos. The only photo I have left from that camera is of my a dads car in the driveway of our home in Chatham Ontario.

At some point in my childhood my dad got a cannon camera, I was fascinated by it, he took beautiful photos of nature, and I loved seeing how the photos turned out when he’d get them developed. I have a few of his photos still, and they are still impressive to me considering the age of the camera. Looking at his photos I can clearly see his photography made a great impression on my own photography.

My dad’s photography 👇🏻

In grade 9 he graciously allowed me to learn you use his camera and I took time to read the instructions it came with to learn how to use the timer, I took a series of photos in my yard and a few of my younger sibling and I. I got her and I dressed up and did makeup, then set up the camera on the self timer, I was so excited to do a photo shoot.

After I was married and moved out I couldn’t really afford a camera and used disposable ones for different occasions, I didn’t want to miss capturing things like my honeymoon.

I have a bunch taken that way, but you could never really tell the quality of the photo until they were developed because they had no focus feature, your distance from the subject of the photo was the best attempt you could make at getting a clear photo.

When my my first son was born my father in law gifted me my very own cannon camera, it was one of the first digital cameras by cannon, and I was so thankful and absolutely thrilled. I spent evenings after my kids went to bed figuring it out. I loved that camera and it allowed me to capture moments of my kids childhood that I look back on with so much joy. I have a little saying, “We are surrounded by real life fairies, we call them children.” I always felt my kids were magical, and that childhood was magical. I was so happy to capture those every day moments when they were little.

I used that camera up until about 6 or seven years ago, then I bought myself a used camera with more lens options so I could capture nature as close up as possible. Birds, bees, and butterflies tend to like humans at a distance, so having a lens that allowed for this has really been helpful . I find if I sit in my grass quietly nature comes to me and I can quietly capture a moment of it without disrupting or scaring anything away.

What I love about photography as an art form is that it is low effort and impact. Most of my art takes several days to create and will be thrown in the garbage eventually. Photography is captured in a moment and is kept for a lifetime. It is by far the most relaxing art form, it engages with nature in a low impact way, it causes you to notice the small details and beauty all around. It builds patience because nature requires you to be quiet and still to observe. I know most people can snap a photo in a moment with their phones, phone quality photos are quite impressive now but even with your phone it’s worth it to sit and wait and practice observation, because photography is more then just snapping randomly as much as you can, it is an opportunity to slow down, quiet yourself and notice the beauty all around you, photography for me is mental health care, it quiets me and engages me with small unnoticed every day beauty.

For more of my photos you can go to:

https://vs.co/peulqggp

Spring in my yard

I have a spot in my yard I often go to find peace, it always has birds and bees and butterflies, it has given me so much peace to spend time there over the past 11 years. Finding quiet spots has been something I’ve done since childhood. Some of my earliest memories are laying under the pear tree in our backyard, and sitting under the ginkgo trees in a nearby church yard. We at one point moved to a small cottage while waiting for a new home, I found a spot by a brook nearby and would go there after school every day and just sit alone and notice. When we finally moved to a new house we were surrounded by undeveloped lots, the grass would grow long and would get wild and I’d go lay in the long grass and hide in there for hours. My heart just needs a quiet space, a hidden spot away from the world. I’ve also had cameras since childhood, I had a pink camera when I was 6 and I loved getting all my blurry photos developed, but when I got a bit older my dad let me use his cannon and I took pictures of my moms garden and me and my sister Liz. He taught me to use the timer and set it up. My most happy and most peaceful moments in life happen outdoors in the quiet with a camera.

I think most people can relate, we are part of this world and it makes sense we feel at peace out in nature.

There is nothing like spring after a long northern winter, it is my favourite. The bright green, the flowers popping out. Last year I went through health issues and depression and I didn’t get out like I have every other year, I missed my camera and my spot in the grass. This year I’ve gone out daily. It’s been soothing.

I hope you get out in nature, even if it’s just in your own yard, take a moment and let yourself breath, put your hand on your chest and allow yourself to remember you are part of the beauty all around you.

Here are a few of my favourite shots of spring thus far

The body shaming I grew up with

The 90’s were an interesting decade, it was the height of skinny and appearance culture, there were entire shows and movies dedicated to shaming people for their appearance, it was a time when being fat was seen as some sort of personal failure, and it was ok to make fun of others for their appearance.

I heard a lot of opinions about others appearance, what others ate, if they exercised, and internally it created a lot of anxiety. I wish the appearance shaming ended when I was a young person but it continued even into my adulthood.

Things like this were said at family events:

“fat ankles are ugly”

“women with small breasts are more attractive”

“you’re tall, but you don’t have any muscle”

“ I eat clean, take your junk food with you, I won’t have it in my house”

“I don’t visit with people who don’t do physical activity”

“The lasagna you made was unhealthy” (after taking my resources and time making lasagna for 20 people)

“Are you eating more?”

I could go on.

There was a time I actually skipped a close friends wedding because I was so ashamed of my appearance, I stood out of photos with my kids for YEARS. I tried several diets and felt like a failure when I couldn’t follow through. It had a huge internal impact on me, and I often hated the way I looked.

Its not something I want my own children around. My youngest son is autistic and struggles with ARFID, some of his safe foods are not “healthy” and I will not expose my child to anyone who could potentially shame him, especially if we call them “family”, because family should be a safe place, not a place where you fear being shamed. My own family just encourages him to try new foods, we let him decide if he wants to, he takes supplements so he’s getting the nutrients he needs when he won’t eat certain things, we do not comment any further, we simply allow him to be himself.

Other people’s bodies are none of our business to comment on, because body commenting, and food and exercise pressure and shaming are UNHEALTHY and damaging. My upbringing around appearance and diet culture is something I strive not to repeat with my own family, I’ve had to do a great deal of deprogramming to stop looking at food and exercise the way I was raised to. So many young people struggle with disordered eating and excessive exercise because of the messages they have heard from family and see on social media, and I do not care to contribute to this toxic part of society. Our bodies are a vehicle to experience the world, not a problem that needs fixing. We have tastebuds….we are meant to enjoy food. We have legs,  they are meant to get us places to enjoy the world. We are meant to live, not shame ourselves over appearance. We are meant to love ourselves and take care of ourselves, and shame is not a part of love.