Spring in my yard

I have a spot in my yard I often go to find peace, it always has birds and bees and butterflies, it has given me so much peace to spend time there over the past 11 years. Finding quiet spots has been something I’ve done since childhood. Some of my earliest memories are laying under the pear tree in our backyard, and sitting under the ginkgo trees in a nearby church yard. We at one point moved to a small cottage while waiting for a new home, I found a spot by a brook nearby and would go there after school every day and just sit alone and notice. When we finally moved to a new house we were surrounded by undeveloped lots, the grass would grow long and would get wild and I’d go lay in the long grass and hide in there for hours. My heart just needs a quiet space, a hidden spot away from the world. I’ve also had cameras since childhood, I had a pink camera when I was 6 and I loved getting all my blurry photos developed, but when I got a bit older my dad let me use his cannon and I took pictures of my moms garden and me and my sister Liz. He taught me to use the timer and set it up. My most happy and most peaceful moments in life happen outdoors in the quiet with a camera.

I think most people can relate, we are part of this world and it makes sense we feel at peace out in nature.

There is nothing like spring after a long northern winter, it is my favourite. The bright green, the flowers popping out. Last year I went through health issues and depression and I didn’t get out like I have every other year, I missed my camera and my spot in the grass. This year I’ve gone out daily. It’s been soothing.

I hope you get out in nature, even if it’s just in your own yard, take a moment and let yourself breath, put your hand on your chest and allow yourself to remember you are part of the beauty all around you.

Here are a few of my favourite shots of spring thus far

The body shaming I grew up with

The 90’s were an interesting decade, it was the height of skinny and appearance culture, there were entire shows and movies dedicated to shaming people for their appearance, it was a time when being fat was seen as some sort of personal failure, and it was ok to make fun of others for their appearance.

I heard a lot of opinions about others appearance, what others ate, if they exercised, and internally it created a lot of anxiety. I wish the appearance shaming ended when I was a young person but it continued even into my adulthood.

Things like this were said at family events:

“fat ankles are ugly”

“women with small breasts are more attractive”

“you’re tall, but you don’t have any muscle”

“ I eat clean, take your junk food with you, I won’t have it in my house”

“I don’t visit with people who don’t do physical activity”

“The lasagna you made was unhealthy” (after taking my resources and time making lasagna for 20 people)

“Are you eating more?”

I could go on.

There was a time I actually skipped a close friends wedding because I was so ashamed of my appearance, I stood out of photos with my kids for YEARS. I tried several diets and felt like a failure when I couldn’t follow through. It had a huge internal impact on me, and I often hated the way I looked.

Its not something I want my own children around. My youngest son is autistic and struggles with ARFID, some of his safe foods are not “healthy” and I will not expose my child to anyone who could potentially shame him, especially if we call them “family”, because family should be a safe place, not a place where you fear being shamed. My own family just encourages him to try new foods, we let him decide if he wants to, he takes supplements so he’s getting the nutrients he needs when he won’t eat certain things, we do not comment any further, we simply allow him to be himself.

Other people’s bodies are none of our business to comment on, because body commenting, and food and exercise pressure and shaming are UNHEALTHY and damaging. My upbringing around appearance and diet culture is something I strive not to repeat with my own family, I’ve had to do a great deal of deprogramming to stop looking at food and exercise the way I was raised to. So many young people struggle with disordered eating and excessive exercise because of the messages they have heard from family and see on social media, and I do not care to contribute to this toxic part of society. Our bodies are a vehicle to experience the world, not a problem that needs fixing. We have tastebuds….we are meant to enjoy food. We have legs,  they are meant to get us places to enjoy the world. We are meant to live, not shame ourselves over appearance. We are meant to love ourselves and take care of ourselves, and shame is not a part of love.

Understanding what neurodivergent means….

Shortly after my bipolar diagnosis I entered the realm of being neurodivergent, during my assessment I noticed I had a lot of childhood experiences and behaviours that are similar to my autistic son. I relate with the experience of those with autism, and I felt a sense of community and it’s likely because bipolar is neurodivergence and there is a lot of overlapping qualities within the spectrum of neurodivergence. I don’t usually link other blogs to my blog (I have below please read) but I came across this blog that a neurodivergent person I follow had written that beautifully explained what the term “neurodivergent” means. They wrote it to help those who had never really heard of neurodivergence, and I really think it’s helpful for those who want to understand what this terminology means. I know the term neurodivergent is out there a lot, people think it’s some sort of trend people are jumping on, but it’s not, many people……mostly women are finding out late in life they are neurodivergent because professionals and people with lived experiences are talking about it, and many women have not met the narrow “qualifications” for being neurodivergent because historically most of the studies have been on males with very narrow and limited understanding based upon very obvious divergent “behaviour”. Being neurodivergent isn’t trendy, many people lived undiagnosed a very long time, the DSM has become more detailed and a lot more has been learned about neurodivergence in women…..so as the information improved and it got out there more people are beginning to go and get assessed.

Please click the link below, you will learn a lot 🙂

https://neurodivergentrebel.substack.com/p/neurodivergence-includes-lifelong?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR14xtfLO1EAAoI-fFmX5AzbUmXsMWbbgm2PL5bLpW8_xAIJbX7A4WCSov0_aem_kHBaH6UgPSHeOFctCwByVA