What mania is like

I had a Doctors appointment recently. I am working through paperwork for disability . It is in-depth, it requires me talk about my symptoms, mania being the major one. My doctor asked what mania felt like.

It is an excessive amount of energy, I often go through sleep regression, I start repeating phrases in my head to cope. I struggle with communication. I become unable to sleep and as you can see from the above evidence I doodle excessively, it can be enjoyable in a sense, but between doodling I struggle to cope. I recently visited the city and had a meltdown, I stepped out of a car while it was moving and stepped into traffic. I cried for hours, my ears buzzed for two days straight afterwards. I was in a semi manic state. Every sound, every light, and everything just triggered panic. I try to channel the buzzing with art. My dissociated series was during a time of mania, I often turn to art to manage, to focus, even with all my coping strategies I still struggle. Being in the city while manic was not the best choice.

During mania dissociation is common, my brain doesn’t pick up on bodily sensations, sometimes I can’t feel that I need to go to the bathroom, or that I’m hungry, or in pain. It’s during these times I don’t recall what I’ve been doing, and have memory gaps.

My dr wanted to know what triggers mania.

It can be anything from change, to stress, to watching people I love struggle. Sometimes I can see the storm coming, I can feel the off feelings, I notice hyper focus, what I thought was a moment was more like several hours. Sometimes I am just standing in the storm and I don’t know how I got there. One moment I’m fine, the next I’m in the downpour. I cycle through paranoia, exsistial crisis, fear, grief, anger, and then a kind of verbal communication shut down. I get so overwhelmed by so little. Being in this state is exhausting and often upsetting for my family.

It’s the kind of thing I hid as a kid, I had the massive meltdowns at school, I masked heavily as a teen, I masked heavily for family.

I have learned I HAVE to express my feelings or I shutdown or meltdown.

I feel everything

Life is made up of both joy and grief. I give both equal weight.

I told my husband that I am a micro noticer.

Sometimes this is good

Sometimes it is frustrating.

With mania noticing and experiencing become intense.

Mania is hard to explain to those who don’t experience it.

It can be witnessed

My kids and husband can hear it in my voice.