Walking back to me

Sometimes I wonder what the problem was, I thought the problem was that I really didn’t understand them. I never really felt like I was a part of them, like I was accepted. It felt like they treated each other as real “family” and that I should be thankful I was even invited to witness their bond, like I was an audience member to their show, I was valued because they liked a crowd. Most of my life I thought this dynamic was my fault, that I wasn’t worthy of their consideration. I now realize the problem hasn’t been me understanding them, I understand them. The problem is they don’t know or understand me, they only know the version of me I had to be so they would accept me. It’s the version of me that was a reflection of them and at some point I stopped knowing myself. And that has been lonely. That version of me is gone, the version who is ok with being treated as an after thought, and now I’m walking back towards myself,  the person I was before I distorted myself to fit in, as I walk away from them, I heal my relationship with me.