Sometimes my disability disables me

And for many years I pretended like it didn't in front of those I feared would judge. But autism has always disabled me, my kids remember me having meltdowns when they were little, locking myself in the bathroom and just crying. I’ve never really successfully masked.

A big trigger for me is change. Recently our family has gone through a shift, my husband is gone a lot more and the change has been challenging for me. On his first day away my son walked in on me having a meltdown, instantly I kind of froze. I feared judgment but instead he offered to help, and reminded me it’s ok to ask for help. Growing up I needed extra support desperately but didn’t receive it and at some point I just shut down. My mom tried, it was perceived as special treatment by some of my siblings, lazy by another sibling, I needed support but received judgement. It’s hard to admit that I needed far more support, that I struggle with things others find easy. I’m in the process of being fully evaluated and the process has made it clear that I have needed medium support. As a child I had a “special needs” teacher, but that ended in highschool, and really struggled to keep up from that time on. Looking at myself now as a late diagnosed adult has been both validating, and upsetting. To look back and see how I had to avoid asking for help because I was considered “difficult”, I’ve come to realize what others called “difficult” was autism. Autism is a disability, and it’s also a gift. It’s very easy for me to get overwhelmed with daily life but it’s also easy for me to find joy in the small things.

My camera has been a great help in life, it motivates me to get out, it helps my brain slow down and focus. I’ve always had a camera with me. This spring has been especially beautiful, I look back the past two years and I was depressed through spring and summer, this year I’m feeling stable so I’ve been getting out daily and adding an hour in my yard as part of a new routine. Routine helps greatly with autism, and it helps me navigate change. My kids have seen my disability disable me and they don’t judge, that helps me greatly to get use to new routine.

Spring photos below