I’m Tired

Bipolar is heavy

Sometimes when I am well I think perhaps I made up this thing in my head.

I have had two major episodes recently and I am am in the midst of mania.

Mania isn’t a constant state.

I have bipolar 1, with rapid cycles which means when I’m in an epsode I can quickly cycle between mania and depression (dysphoric mania)

I always take my medication as prescribed, I do everything in my power to stay stable.

Life is stressful, I cannot control everything in my own life.

Life is messy.

I had the ambulance called

I had a public meltdown

I stepped out of a moving car during a panic attack.

And I have been struggling just to stay emotionally stable.

Bipolar reminds me it is real

I recently said to my husband that I’m too tired to mask, mania is exhausting.

But I mask still

For family when and if they call.

My illness is real, and I have to pretend for some people it’s not.

Some people refuse to see it,

It makes me feel like I have to have breakdown in front of their eyes.

Talk to my kids, talk to my husband, they have seen me break.

I have an illness that has made a stable life challenging,

I have to pretend I don’t for some people

It’s like pretending I don’t have a toothache so people don’t feel sorry for me

Eventually I can’t pretend

Eventually the pain gets exhausting

I’ve heard the stigma

It’s an excuse

A made up thing for sympathy

A ploy to get free money.

I mask, I still mask because those who should love me can’t be bothered to believe me, and go about supporting strangers for likes.

It is isolating and heavy, because masking causes me great distress,

I need routine

I live with such severe anxiety, since childhood

I struggle to leave my home…..my body can do it, my brain makes me afraid something bad will happen.

This is mental illness.

I fight my brain to get out of my house to take photos, and I love taking photos.

I fight my brain constantly

And I’m tired

Tired of trying to prove my struggle, and tired of living with bipolar.