Being perceived

One of the greatest challenges as a neurodivergent person is deep discomfort with being perceived, the fear of being perceived keeps me frozen. I avoid tasks if others are around, I prefer to do most things when I’m alone, this has always been the case for me. I’ve been reading about this fear recently in hopes to understand why I struggle so much with this, and I think it stems from being misperceived . Growing up I was very shy, I preferred to play mostly alone, and was only comfortable with a few select people, I’m still like this. My differences were pointed out, often times in front of others, and when you’re introverted being centered out is deeply embarrassing. Years ago when I was going through the process of diagnosis I was asked about my childhood experiences and I contacted a relative of mine I spent a lot of time with, she was a teacher for disabled children, I use to go stay with her and her family whenever I could, she told me her and my mom believed I walk to the beat of my own drum, this description is what many neurodivergent people hear, we do things and exist differently then most. Having differences pointed out but not understanding why I was different created a deep internal anxiety in almost every social interaction I had as a kid, and even now. Social interaction is still often overwhelming, and I avoid it. Social interaction burns me out very fast. This summer I made a plan to visit a friend, as the visit drew closer my anxiety grew, I couldn’t sleep, I became extremely disreguladed and was exhausted by the time I got to the actual visit. It took me over a week to regulate after that visit. Just one social event costs me, it’s ridiculous but it’s my reality. Even visits with people I love disregulate me. For years I pushed myself past my capacity to visit others and it cost me years of burnout recovery. Now I’m very careful with how often I socialize. I don’t think my discomfort of being perceived is going away, I just have to manage it. I try doing small tasks daily even if others are home, I make very selective plans very rarely and I accept myself as a person that loves alone time.