Reality bipolar

I live with bipolar and autism, and both impact me and each other daily. Small changes can create a big response in me. This last couple weeks I have had sleep regression, mania, and now a dip in mood and energy. This happens frequently for me when summer turns to fall. The change in light shifts my brain into rapid cycles that are difficult to manage. Paranoia and existential dread often come along for the mood ride. It can be frustrating to go from energy and sleep regression to depression and inability to stay awake, but this is the reality of bipolar, and specifically bipolar 1 with rapid cycles. For no reason at all except light change my stability is thrown out the window. This is why bipolar is disabling, when I go low it’s not just mood, it’s coupled with severe energy loss, and sometimes the low becomes so low my mind becomes suicidal, and I struggle to stay in reality, in the evenings my brain is especially loud. To stay grounded I use exercises I learned to manage overstimulation due to autism. I breath and listen to my breathing. I tighten my full body and slowly relax it, I shake my hands vigorously, I listen for 5 sounds. I do things to get me back into my body, and it often does help my brain to quiet. I keep a list of things to do to help self regulate, I often seek extra human support when my brain becomes suicidal, because those thoughts can be harder to manage on my own.

Seeking help or telling someone when your thoughts are suicidal is important, always seek help for it.

Summers End

Resting bee

I have never loved the heat of summer, but I have always loved the birds, bees, butterflies and flowers summer brings. I’m glad for the cool weather but sad to see things leaving, wilting and moving on and migrating to warmer places.

I’ve spent a lot of time watching the bees this summer, they are so fascinating to watch. They seem so meticulous as they walk around the stamen of the flower in circles gathering up all the pollen, it’s like a little dance. Most years I try to catch photos of them as they do their work. At the end of the season they slow down and you can often find them resting on flowers. Like humming birds as flowers wilt bees have to travel farther to do their work, the cooler weather slows them and they end up resting on and beneath flower petals, for some bees it’s the end of their season (life) all together. The sweet thing about the bees slowing down is you can pet them. As a child I was afraid of bees, now as an adult I love them. I give them a little pat and thank them for their hard work.

Did you know when a bee stings a person they sometimes “regret” (instinctively preserve their life), if you don’t panic and allow them they will start moving in circles to try and unwind their stinger. Most people swat them, but it’s fascinating when given time they try to undo their “mistake” to a have a longer life.

They are such wonderful insects, and watching them this summer has been joyful and peaceful. There are many pollinators but bees are still the best.

Some of my fav bee photos below 👇🏻

Bees removing stinger info below

👇🏻

https://youtu.be/nTVsqc2CCGo?si=2fEyTldptqev_g7h

In my dreams

Since childhood I have had very vivid dreams. I actually still have some of the same recurring dreams I had in childhood now as an adult. I also have the type of dreaming where I can become aware I am dreaming and can control the dream a bit (lucid dreams). My daughter can do this too. My vivid dreams can cause me to break my own heart, specifically when I have dreams about someone I loved who has passed.

Last night I dreamt I was sitting at a table with my mom, my uncle Randy and my grandmother. I was listening to them chatter, my grandmother turned to me and asked me to sing and I sang to them a song by the Beatles called “ I Will”. The lyrics are :

Who knows how long I've loved you?

You know I love you still

Will I wait a lonely lifetime?

If you want me to, I will

For if I ever saw you

I didn't catch your name

But it never really mattered

I will always feel the same

Love you forever and forever

Love you with all my heart

Love you whenever we're together

Love you when we're apart

And when at last, I find you

Your song will fill the air

Sing it loud so I can hear you

Make it easy to be near you

For the things you do endear you to me

Oh, you know, I will

I will

I know it’s a love song but I think it was fitting to how much I loved each of them. I love and hate these kind of dreams. I tell my husband it’s like getting little visits with those I love, but often when I wake up I cry. These relatives made me feel seen and loved, and I miss them and visiting them in my dreams often makes me grieve again for a little while. I’m not sure there will be a time I stop missing them, they have a permanent place in my heart.