The reality of recovering

When I was finally diagnosed with bipolar I was at a point where I couldn’t leave my bed, I was having episode after episode until I finally had a full breakdown and nearly killed myself. My husband called and informed some family of what I was dealing with because it was serious, and it wasn’t taken seriously by family at all. My husband often says he can’t believe how family disregards me, it didn’t surprise me, I’ve always had to be my own support because family hasn’t been reliable most of my life. Recently I saw a video online of a brother who took time to clean his sisters room after she went through a bout of deep depression and I cried, I cannot imagine getting that kind of unconditional support. I’m not sure my family understands what actual support is, and this has made recovery difficult and lonely.

Most of my recovery has been me and partner trudging though the tough stuff together. It is a very long very hard journey. Bipolar doesn’t go away, it’s neurodivergence, it is how my brain functions so recovery means once I’m stable maintaining a low stress life to keep me stable, and that’s not easy. It’s been 5 years and I’m just now reaching a point where I can get out and walk and set small goals again. Nobody tells you that a break down and burnout can take years to recover from but that’s the reality, it takes year’s especially if you’ve spent years pushing yourself past your capacity while living undiagnosed.

Mental illness is in fact illness, like any other part of the human body brains can get sick and can take you out , and if you don’t treat it for years it can take years to recover enough to function, which is what I have experienced. I’m just getting to a point where I can manage a small self care and house work routine. I think people think you take meds and it’s all better but recovery from burnout takes much, much longer then most people realize. I had this pattern of feeling better and pushing myself and ending up unwell again, I don’t do that anymore. I have slowly created a small daily routine I stick to, I make small changes when I feel I can do more. My illness changed my life, it also changed my spouse as well. He’s been my rock and he’s taken on a lot, also with very little support himself.

We live in a world where people still don’t believe in things like mentall illness and neurodivergence, because they are not physically visible. I find the older generation would prefer people just suffer in silence then address the reality of things like mental illness, adhd and autism. Can you imagine telling someone with Alzheimer’s that because you can’t see their illness it’s not real and leaving them to suffer alone? Alzheimer’s is an invisible illness we can only see the symptoms through behaviour, you can’t see Alzheimer’s physically only behaviourally, invisible illnesses are just that… invisible that doesn’t mean they are not real and it doesn’t mean it’s not having a serious impact on those who suffer from them. ADHD, autism, mental illness have real symptoms you can see behaviourally and left undiagnosed can upend your life. Many people 40+ have never been treated or diagnosed because our parents didn’t have the information to understand these things in the way we do now, but they are very real and denying their reality is damaging. When untreated these things disrupt life, and create unhealthy patterns to cope, and some people end up where I did, nearly dead or taking years to recover as I have.

Mental illness needs to be taken as seriously as physical illness, those who struggle need understanding and support, and if you can’t give those things then you need to look internally, those who are ill deserve support and care and actually require it in order to recover.

My life in photos

I’ve been online sharing a series of my favourite photos from over 2 decades of photography. Early in life art, music, photography and reading were places I went to to hide myself.

Growing up I was often overlooked by others because I was the quiet weird kid but I found a lot of joy in being alone and learning things like photography. Photography has been a wonderful way for me to showcase how I see the world around me. My camera is like a friend I take every where because every where I go in the world has beauty to be captured.

When I was very young I had a pink camera, I found a photo of my pink camera online 👇🏻 below:

I took sooooooo many photos with this little camera, I have only one photo left from that camera, there are likely more out there somewhere in a box. I remember my moms siblings coming for a visit and I’d drive them crazy snapping my fuzzy out of focus photos. The only photo I have left from that camera is of my a dads car in the driveway of our home in Chatham Ontario.

At some point in my childhood my dad got a cannon camera, I was fascinated by it, he took beautiful photos of nature, and I loved seeing how the photos turned out when he’d get them developed. I have a few of his photos still, and they are still impressive to me considering the age of the camera. Looking at his photos I can clearly see his photography made a great impression on my own photography.

In grade 9 he graciously allowed me to learn you use his camera and I took time to read the instructions it came with to learn how to use the timer, I took a series of photos in my yard and a few of my younger sibling and I. I got her and I dressed up and did makeup the set up the camera on the self timer, I was so excited to do a photo shoot.

After I was married and moved out I couldn’t really afford a camera and used disposable ones for occasions I didn’t want to miss capturing things like my honeymoon.

I have a bunch taken that way, but you could never really tell the quality of them until they were developed because they had no focus feature, your distance from the object of the photo was your best attempt at getting a clear photo.

When my my first son was born my father in law gifted me my very own cannon camera, it was one of the first digital cameras by cannon, and I was so thankful and absolutely thrilled. I spent evenings after my kids went to bed figuring it out. I loved that camera and it allowed me to capture moments of my kids childhood that I look back on with so much joy. I have a little saying, “We are surrounded by real life fairies, we call them children.” I always felt my kids were magical, and that childhood is magical. I was so happy to capture those every day moments when they were little.

I used that camera up until about 6 or seven years ago, then I bought myself a used camera with more lens options so I could capture nature close up as possible. Birds, bees, butterflies tend to like you to keep your distance so having a lens that allowed for this has really been helpful . I find if I sit in my grass quietly nature comes to me and I can quietly capture a moment of it without disrupting or scaring anything away.

I think what I love most about photography as an art form is how low effort and impact it is. Most of my art takes several days to create and always can be thrown into the garbage at some point. Photography is captured in a moment and is doesn’t go to waste. It is by far the most relaxing art form, it engages with nature in a low impact way, it causes you to notice the small details and beauty all around you. It builds patience because nature requires you to be quiet and still and observe. I know most people can snap a photo in a moment with their phones, phone quality photos are quite impressive now but even with your phone it’s worth it to sit and wait and practice observation, because photography is more then just snapping randomly as much as you can, it is an opportunity to slow down, quiet yourself and notice the beauty all around you, photography for me is mental health care, it quiets me and engages me with small unnoticed every day beauty.

For more of my photos you can go to:

https://vs.co/peulqggp

A soft heart in a hard world

Sometimes I look around at my home and think I’d love this or that, I’d love a new kitchen, or I’d love to have an always tidy space, and in my heart I can be ungrateful for a moment. We live on one income, my disability hasn’t given me the capacity to work in 5 years so we are by no means wealthy, we just get by for the most part. Sometimes this reality can make me judge myself harshly.

Then I remind myself what I do have.

I have a loving supportive partner.

I have a beautiful relationship with each of my kids.

I have a roof over my head.

We always have food.

I have the ability to be creative.

We have a relatively peaceful life together.

And I am content.

There is no better “thing” that will really make me happy, because things are things, they are temporary and changing.

I have me, and I really like being me, and I wouldn’t trade that for any material item or to have what others around me have.

There is no better “thing” that somehow makes me a better or more valuable as a person. I am valuable alone without any material thing.

And so are you, you are valuable no matter your income, living situation or material wealth.

Our value as humans stands alone, you are valuable simply because you exist. You don’t need to impress anyone, because material wealth isn’t really impressive, a soft heart in a hard world is impressive.